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I lost my William in early 2001.

He was a writer who, one day, planned to use my diary's, which I

kept through our young courtship and beyond, as a basis for a

true erotic story.

William and I enjoyed reading erotic stories of this type.

He planned to use the pen name Billy Hand.

As a means of therapy for dealing with his loss,

I took up the project.

Though not as accomplished as William as a writer,

I too, write professionally for travel and vacation guides.

Originally his plan was for a genus story, CARREE LOVES BILLY,

and then 10 stories of our sexual adventures and life.

After his death I reworked his outlines and added a few things I

remembered and few things he never knew about.

After finishing 7 of the stories, I cannot continue.

I feel it is only fair to tell you all the reasons why and a few

of the circumstances.

The support I received from the readers of the sites that posted

the series was just unbelievable. Some of those who wrote made a

difference in my life that lasts even today. There are two in

particular.

One is a woman in California, my age, who taught me that life is

NOT over when you are 28 and seemingly out of options. There are

plenty of options and lots of fun to be had, and lots of things

to be discovered about our personal selves, and our sexual

selves. She made me realize I could feel like a young woman, and

even dream of becoming a young bride again. All of this because

she dared to do things a little on the edge, and give me blow by

blow accounts. She made me think, THAT COULD BE ME.

As low and as stripped of life as I was, she made me smile, she

made me wonder, she made me feel sexual again (I didn't think

that would ever be possible). Thank You G, I love you.

The other was an older man from across the pond, who had related

a similar story to mine that was experienced by his sister. He

wanted so to comfort me, but was so afraid of sounding like he

was coming on to me. He just wanted me to know that my pain was

shared by others and that, like it or not, life goes on. His

sister had a hard time dealing with the situation. He felt I

could do better, because he thought I showed a better outlook in

my stories. He showed me how I could sink to a pretty wretched

state, if I let myself. He was so cute, especially when I

considered how much older he was than I. He even scolded me like

a Daddy for my one indiscretion in my relationship.

Thanks RM - "Dad".

In between the fifth and sixth story I began to have a

relationship with the character in my story I call "Russell". It

was he that I had an indiscretion with during my time with

William. Most would not have called it cheating, but I always

felt awful that I never told William.

As things got more and more serious with "Russell", I failed to

tell him about the stories I was writing and the "triple life" I

was leading, 1) the grieving widow, 2) the tell-all erotic story

author 3) the new paramour for my old college friend.

Since he was a subject in one of the stories, I felt I could not

share them with him. The part about him was not in the outlines

William made from my notes, because William didn't know about

what happened. He knew "Russell", but only as the college friend

he really was to us then.

In any event, it was something else I was hiding from another man

who was falling, or had fallen in love with me. ME, who always

preached to others that the key to a relationship is honesty, no

matter how deep the pain, was hiding something again.

As I finished story 7 I was aware that it was harder and harder

to hide this from "Russell" because we were just about living

together, although not totally sexual yet. As I finished that

story I also realized that the therapeutic part of the stories

was over. They caused me more pain, not less, at that point.

Things happened fast then. The travel concern I called "Arens and

Ponds" in my stories made me an offer I could not turn down to

move back to "Baltimore". They offered me a two-year deal, that I

am sure will perpetuate if I please.

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I asked "Russell" to quit his job or transfer (government worker)

and go with me. I was ready to commit to him, even though I was

keeping the stories and my pen pals from him. It was a dishonest

mistake. I kept telling myself that it wasn't his business.

When you sleep with someone and tell them you love them (and mean

it) and share bodily fluids and a roof - EVERYTHING IS THEIR

BUSINESS. As far as he was concerned, if I wasn't honest about

this, what else??

I made a slip up and didn't cover my tracks like normal, and he

"caught" me.

I looked pretty low in his eyes. I was someone he didn't know,

after he gave me his life. I was not very happy with myself.

That hurt me almost as much as I have ever been hurt. But, I am

happy to say that I have fixed everything and am working at

regaining his full trust.

One thing I must do is give up the stories, even though I wasn't

going to write any more, I didn't want to wipe them from the

slate. I get totals of downloads and views of the stories, and it

is UNBELIEVABLE. I think they are Williams's legacy, and

"Russell" agrees.

About a month ago, a new writer, Steven Grayson, sent me a story

and asked me to review it. I told him, I DON'T DO THAT, but then

he told me that I was his inspiration. ME!! (no accounting for

taste)

So, I read it and I was impressed (whew!! Hot!!) It was called

"Suzanne" and you can find it on the better story sites now. (He

goes by the name Sig Grayson)

When he read at the end of story 7 that I might be done, burnt

out, he asked me if he could have the outlines and finish the

stories, he liked doing biographicals where he could work from an

outline, with major details already figured out.

At the time, I said "Absolutely not!!"

However, we are rethinking that.

But, he has agreed to keep the archive for me. He has the

passwords to access them. So the stories will stay up, all with

"Russells" blessing.

However, if you do see an 8 - 9 - or 10, be SURE I didn't write

it. We are still talking with Steven.

"Russell" and I have settled down together in "Baltimore", and I

am pretty happy. I love him a lot, he has proven more than a

friend and our original attraction was no fluke. He adores me,

although that opinion may have to be earned again. He should make

no doubts about me; I can prove my love and earn his.

I still suffer bouts of depression when I have to drag up old

memories (one of the reasons the stories became an anchor instead

of a buoy). Just this week an old friend of William got me some

side work, remembering me from something previous I did. He asked

how "Bill" was. He hadn't heard yet. It ruined my day and the

moment "Russell" saw me that night, he knew whose ghost had

arrived.

Twelve hours later he found out about the stories and my

deception, so I was in the deep doghouse.

That is why I am rushing this transfer to Steven's hand. I

promised "Russell" that by Saturday this week, October 12, 2002,

I would be washed clean of "Carree"

I hope you enjoy our story as much as I did living it.

Whether you believe our story or not, trust me when I say it

has been embellished little. Many of the emails I got were

prefaced with, "If it is true. . ." If I could document the pain

and tears I have suffered and shed, it would fill volumes.

Believe what you like, but enjoy the stories above all. That

would make William happy.

I will always truly love the character you know as

William, Billy and Bill Wilson.

I bid you all adieu and thank you from the bottom of my heart for

your words, help, compliments and prayers.

"CARREE"