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Storys: Various
Miscell/pure1500.66c
Purity Test -1500 Question
Courtesy of Steamed Rhubard Fondue:
THE UNISEX PURITY TEST
VERSION 6.6c - 1500 QUESTIONS
If you thought the millenial purity test was bad, well you ain't see nuttin'
yet!
This is the 1500 point Purity Test!
We felt that the 1000 point version lost a lot of the "fun" of the earlier
versions, so we re-wrote it, adding a few new sections, and a shitload of
questions. This test is guaranteed to be nosier that your parents, more
invasive than the census, and containing something to offend everybody.
Also included is an answer form so that you can remember where in the test
you were, or show to a friend.
Enjoy (and I know you will).
-----
Table O' Contents
-----------------
Introduction:
Non-Credits
Genesis / History
Definitions
Scoring
Note to Test Adminitrator
Credits
I - The Lamer Section
II - Who Says You Need A Parter OR I'm The Best I've Ever Had
III - How Low Will You Go?
IV - I Fought the Law and *I* Won
V - Mekka Lekka Hi, Mekka Hiney Ho
VI - This Looks Like a Good Place for a Stick-Up
VII - Julia Child, Eat Yourself Out
VIII - Something Smells Fishy Down Here
IX - The Nitty and the Gritty
X - The Meaning Of Life
XI - Green Eggs and Ham
XII - Look, Ma, No Hands!
XIII - Kids, Don't Try This at Home
XIV - Don't Worry; I was a Boy Scout
XV - Mama Always Told Me to Share
XVI - Old MacDonald had his Farm, E-I-E-I-OHHHHHHH!
XVII - Let there be Lips!
XVIII - Eyes On Your Own Papers, Please
Epilogue:
Warranty
Disclaimer
-----
Public domain; no copyright. All rights wronged, all wrongs reversed. Up with
going down. The risen flesh commands: let there be love. Murphy's law on sex:
Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.
This document was not sponsored by the Department of Defense Advanced Research
Projects Agency, and was not monitored by the Air Force Avionics Laboratory.
The views and conclusions contained in this document should not be interpreted
as representing the official policies, either expressed or implied, of the
Defense Advanced Projects Agency or the US Government. Neither should it be
interpreted nor inferred that the authors/contributors have actually performed
any or all of the actions contained herein, but they most likely have.
Feel free to distribute at Will (or anyone else you know, for that matter),
but please don't change the intro (but if you absosmurfly MUST do that, at
least leave the credits in... we worked hard, dammit! :) ).
-----
Genesis / History:
Version 1 (100) - sometime before 1982
Created at MIT's Baker House. Two parallel versions; one for
male, and one for female. Very little is known about this
version.
Version 2 (247) - spring 1983
Expanded to 247 questions. This marked the beginning of the
unisex version. The story goes that they intended it to be
250 questions, but got tired that night and said "We'll
think of three more tomorrow," and tomorrow never got there.
Version 3.5 (400) - April 10, 1985
First formal release. All former versions were short-lived
and tended to be bug-ridden. Does not discriminate against
gays or bi's. Added in Genesis/History section,
instructions, scoring, and warranty.
Version 3.5a (400) - April 13, 1985
Found there were 431 questions instead of 400. After an
all-night hack sessions, problem was fixed.
Version 3.5c (400) - January 17, 1988
Finished up at Yale. Final version of the 400 point test
EVER! Feel special if you own a copy.
Version 4.0 (500) - April 23, 1988
Those snotty Yale kids thought that 400 wasn't enough for
them. Added 100 questions "just ta show 'em."
Version 5.0 (1000) - sometime in the late 80's
It was decided that 500 questions wasn't enough. Created to
be the purity test to end all purity tests. However, it
lost a lot of the "fun" of the earlier versions and got
boring to take.
Version 5.0a (1000) - January 4, 1992
A copy of the 1000 point version got into my hands. Big
mistake. Typos were gotten rid of and the introduction was
made clearer.
Version 6.0-6.6b (1500) - April 19, 1992 - August 17, 1992
1500 questions. Bestiality, Group Sex, RHPS, Kitchen
Utensil, and Cult sections added. Extra credit done away
with. Sections put in more logical order. Genesis/History
sections and intoduction from 500 point version reinstated.
Answer sheet made.
Version 6.6c (1500) - March 25, 1993
I finally went to college and got an Internet address, and
was shocked to find that the test had actually been
distributed. So, I decided to edit out any more errors that
I found and change the introduction. However, I didn't
change all the grammatical pronoun errors (using he/she
instead of they, his/hers instead of theirs, etc.), because
it would have been a pain in the ass. You know what it
means; deal with it. Finsihed up at Miami University in
Peabody Hall (Western Campus! Yay!).
-----
Instructions for Use:
This is a fairly long test consisting of 1500 questions. It starts out tame
and gets progressively worse (or better, depending on your viewpoint). There
are many ways of going about taking this test. You can, of course, as your
right, guaranteed by the Constitution, be anti-social and sequester yourself
in your room and take this test all by yourself; however, we feel that the
most fun way to utilize this test is to hold a Purity Test Party. All you
need is one copy of the test, and a bunch of friends. (Lots of writing
implements and paper would be useful too.) The person with the copy of the
test is the test administrator; s/he reads the questions out loud and
everybody else writes down their answers. We have no definite rules as to
whether the participants are required to divulge their answers; that is up to
the group to decide. However, being open with your answers leads to some great
conversations. But no matter what you decide, each person's purity score
should be made common knowledge. (The person with the highest score gets to
be giggled at for the rest of his/her life.) This works great at parties and
lets everybody know who's easy and who isn't, so you'll know who to go home
with. Don't leave home without it.
On the whole, this is biased for experience and, hence, age. If you're still
too young to qualify, well, these things take time.
Chaste makes waste. Virginity can be cured.
Remember: the conjugation is "I am erotic, You are kinky, They are perverts"
All questions in this test pertain to events that have happened to you
subsequent to your weaning and babyhood/infancy. Anything that may have
happened before that time is considered not standing and void.
-----
Definitions: (for the innocent, naive, or too busy)
Necking: the kissing or stroking of a persons head or neck, the stroking of
arms hands or back.
Petting: the above plus the caressing or fondling of other portions of
anatomy; through or underneath clothing.
Sexual activity: all of the above, plus what your puerile imagination dreams
up. Doesn't necessarily mean penetration (but it can).
Posslq : "person of the opposite sex sharing living quarters." Bureaucrat for
live-in lover.
Masturbation: the rubbing/feeling of your genitals. Doesn't need to be to
orgasm. Can be through clothing.
Mutual Masturbation: You masturbating your partner and/or you being
masturbated. Not necessarily both at the same time.
-----
Scoring:
This is a yes-or-no test, so just make sure you have noticeably different
marks for yes and for no. Common ones are an X and an O, a check mark and a
smiley face, whatever. When you are finished, count up all of the "no" answers
and divide that number by 15. That is your "percentage purity." Or, if you
have less "yes" answers than "no," count THOSE up and subtract from 1500. Then
divide THAT number by 15. OR, just to make thing even more confusing, if you
don't have an answer sheet (or don't want to use one), just make those little
hash marks for "yes" answers (the ones that you make four of them and then
cross a line through them for five... easy to count). Take the total,
subtract from 1500, and divide by 15. Basic math stuff.
We would now like to bring to your attention that there is no passing nor
failing score. Therefore, one really shouldn't worry too much about getting a
high score...even if you do get giggled at for the rest of your life.
--- ALL TECHNICALITIES COUNT ---
And, most of all, this is entertainment. Have as much fun in the taking as
was had in the making.
-----
Note to the test administrator:
Even though we tried to prevent it, this test can get monotonous. Try to
"liven" it up by adding comments and goofiness wherever you want to.
Encourage testees to be open with their answers. Taking a break is allowed,
but not recommended. Plan on a few hours. Order some pizza. Get a keg.
Smoke a bowl. Drop a hit. Whatever. Basically, have a party.
------------------------------------------
Perverts Anonymous Qualification Exam
Version 6.6c March 25, 1993 10:25.42pm
primary writer: Steamed Rhubarb Fondue (J. A. Pfaff)
contributing writers: Wolvorine (Owen Kuhn), Astra (JAN!),
and friends and family of The Erotic Nightmare Revue
E-mail any questions or comments to:
japfaff@miavx1.acs.muohio.edu
------------------------------------------
I. The Lamer Section
(Good Clean, 'Wholesome' Activities - 90 Questions)
Have you ever:
1. held hands with someone?
2. hugged somebody?
3. kissed a friend or stranger as a friendly gesture?
4. kissed a friend or stranger as an unfriendly gesture?
5. flirted?
6. been on a date?
7. been on a date past one a.m.?
8. stood someone up?
9. dated someone on a regular basis?
10. gone steady?
11. slam danced?
12. slow danced?
13. copped a feel while slow dancing?
14. tangoed?
15. waltzed?
16. lambadaed?
17. had the symptoms of Russian (rushing) Fingers?
18. had the symptoms of Roman (roaming) Hands?
19. asked someone who you were not going out with and had never gone out with
if he/she was a virgin?
20. french kissed?
21. necked?
22. attended sub races, watched for UFO's, or similar activity?
23. hot tubbed in mixed company (jacuzzi or hydropool)?
24. hot tubbed in the nude?
25. hot tubbed in the nude in mixed company?
26. while hot tubbing been groped under the water?
27. while hot tubbing groped someone under the water?
28. saunaed or steam bathed in mixed company?
29. in the nude?
30. in the nude in mixed company?
31. put suntan lotion, cocoa butter, or baby oil on someone (at beach or
pool)?
32. had someone put suntan lotion, cocoa butter, or baby oil on you?
33. played post office (or other kissing game)?
34. played pony express (post office with more horsing around)?
35. played doctor?
36. played Twister?
37. played Naked Twister?
38. been picked up?
39. picked someone up?
40. picked up sailors (marines, soldiers)?
41. had a one night stand?
42. been hit by a thrown chalk eraser (by the teacher)?
43. been in intellectual combat with an unarmed person, and not given them a
running head start?
44. been on a pub crawl?
45. slept on watch?
46. slept in your undies?
47. slept in the nude?
48. slept in class?
49. interrupted a lecture with your snoring?
50. bundled (archaic, the sharing of sleeping arrangements by persons of the
opposite sex while clothed. In theory, nothing goes on.)?
51. played footsie or 'kneesie'?
52. played footsie or 'kneesie' with someone not your date, significant other
or spouse?
53. been UNABLE to share a bed, sleeping bag or other sleeping arrangements
without something steamy happening?
54. used tickling as a pickup or getting to know you better activity?
55. used physical strength, power, prowess (or lack thereof), as a pickup or
getting to know you better routine?
56. lusted in your heart for someone without their knowledge?
57. dropped hints to somebody you lusted after in the hopes he/she would pick
up on it?
58. send anonymous love letters to someone?
59. been in or started a food fight?
60. photocopied parts of your body, such as your face, hands or feet?
61. read the Song of Solomon?
62. read The National Geographic?
63. kissed and told?
64. been unable to cuss someone out in language acceptable in polite society
(e.g. is your cursing run of the mill, or do you have some class)?
65. used 'fuck' or 'shit' as a noun, adverb, adjective, pronoun, infix,
suffix, prefix or prepositional article in a sentence?
66. done something that you don't want someone to know about
(parents, employer, boy/girlfriend, spouse, roommate)?
67. never been amused about something you thought too embarrassing to explain
to another?
68. cussed in your sleep?
69. worn a strapless gown?
70. skipped class?
71. skipped class with teacher?
72. had someone refuse to be with your because you whistled dirty songs?
73. been a bore (not a pig-like thing in a previous life)?
74. been bar hopping?
75. been overcome by celibacy and didn't like it?
76. been afraid you were slipping into monogamy?
77. been to a cocktail party?
78. drank beer because you liked to piss?
79. tried to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a
Tootsie Roll Pop (it's NOT three)?
80. dyed a pet strange colours (green, pink or purple)?
81. dyed your hair an outrageous colour (deliberately)?
82. owned a Slinky?
83. hung a Slinky out a window?
84. owned a Bill The Cat doll?
85. hung Bill from the ceiling?
86. thrown Bill down the stairs?
87. thrown Bill out a window?
88. videotaped a throwing of Bill for later playback?
89. hung a stuffed animal in effigy?
90. owned or driven a VW Microbus (with the shovels and rakes and implements
of destruction)?
II. Who Says You Need a Partner? OR I'm The Best I've Ever Had
(Autoerotica and Mono-Sexualism - 91 Questions)
(while the actions described here are usually done in private, it counts if
others were present)
Have you:
91. scratched and sniffed any catalog?
92. been sexually aroused?
93. had an arousing or sexually explicit dream (Wet Dreams and the like)?
94. skinny-dipped alone?
95. read or bought erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit periodicals?
96. read or bought pornographic material that might be described as really
gross?
97. subscribed to any erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit periodicals?
(include alt.sex, alt.sex.whatever)
98. read erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit books?
99. read classic pornographic books (Candy, Fanny Hill, Naked Came the
Stranger)?
100. been bored while reading erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit
literature?
101. written erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit literature (lust
letters count)?
102. misspelled 'dirty' words, or misspelled other words as 'dirty' words?
103. read any sex manuals (e.g. Joy of Sex, Everything you always wanted to
Know about Sex)?
104. read Krafft-Ebing's Psychopathia Sexualis?
105. read the Kama Sutra?
106. read any Presidential report on obscenity?
107. underlined, or marked 'good' parts?
108. made an obscene phone call anonymously?
109. received an anonymous obscene phone call?
110. received an obscene phone call and had it turned you on?
111. called any phone sex numbers (recorded or live)?
112. recorded an obscene call for later playback?
113. worked at a live phone sex number?
114. had phone sex with a friend?
115. masturbated (if you either blush at this question or answer 'no' to it,
give up now and go listen to some Lawrence Welk)?
116. masturbated more than four times in 24 hours?
117. masturbated on a regular basis (more than once a week)?
118. masturbated on a set schedule (Oops, gotta go, Mom. It's time for my
3:00 jerk-off)?
119. masturbated to orgasm (isn't that the point?)?
120. masturbated to multiple orgasm?
121. fainted while masturbating as a result of orgasm?
122. target-practice masturbated (females, too; it IS possible)?
123. masturbated with a pillow or mattress?
124. masturbated on a houseplant?
125. used an aid while masturbating (, pocket pussy, etc.)?
126. used an inflatable doll for masturbating?
127. masturbated against a house-hold appliance (ie, washing machine on spin
cycle)?
128. masturbated with food?
129. eaten the food afterwards?
130. fantasized about someone while masturbating?>
131. fantasized about someone masturbating while masturbating?
132. fantasized while masturbating that you were of the opposite sex?
133. masturbated while reading erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit
literature?
134. masturbated while reading textbooks (biology or human sexuality don't
count)?
135. masturbated while watching an R or X rated movie in private (cable,
videotape, or film)?
136. masturbated while watching an R or X rated movie in public (a theatre)?
137. masturbated while on the phone (no kinky interpretations of "on the
phone". This means you were talking to somebody through the phone lines
while you were masturbating. The other party need not know what you were
doing, you little pervert)?
138. masturbated while driving?
139. masturbated in a public bathroom?
140. masturbated in a public bathroom of the opposite sex?
141. masturbated in any public place?
142. masturbated in the wild?
143. masturbated where there was the possibility of being caught?
144. been "caught" masturbating?
145. adjusted your genitals in public (you'd think they'd be set at the
factory)?
146. performed oral sex on yourself (yes, it IS possible)?
147. "basted" yourself (inserting a turkey baster into a major orifice and
doing the suction thing)?
148. inserted anything into your rectum and then walked around all day?
149. affected an accent (SCA or Theatre doesn't count)?
150. asked a female friend, of her new male friend, '.. is he hung'?
151. sent a strip o gram?
152. done a strip tease for someone?
153. been to a burlesque show (Rocky Horror counts)?
154. been to a peep show?
155. been to a live sex show?
156. been to a erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movie?
157. been to a private showing of a erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit
movie (The classic 'stag' party, even if you're female)?
158. held a private showing of an erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit
movie?
159. practiced autoerotic asphyxia (trying to heighten your sexual pleasure
through semi-suffocation)?
160. bought or made a codpiece or padded bra?
161. worn a codpiece or padded bra?
162. wished you were of the opposite sex?
163. decided that if you were to be of the opposite sex you'd want to be
homosexual?
164. had a friend of the opposite sex that you traded clothes with?
165. had a sex change operation (they do amazing things with velcro)?
166. worn clothing that was "revealing" (either of your figure, or that
emphasized 'strategic' locations)?
167. worn clothing that you didn't know was THAT revealing (like the seat has
ripped out or such)?
168. gone for more than one day in the same set of underwear?
169. been in public without wearing underwear?
170. photocopied personal portions of your anatomy (tits, ass, or genitals)?
171. programed a computer to orgasm (yours or the computers, doesn't matter)?
172. cruised (in an automobile)?
173. cruised the bars?
174. cruised the gay bars?
175. cruised the leather bars?
176. used toys to act out fantasies (Barbie dolls, My Little Pony, etc)?
177. owned an erotic art piece (like the cat woman's phallic symbol in A
Clockwork Orange)?
178. sculpted an erotic art piece out of a sculptable material (clay, wood,
soap, etc)?
179. sculpted anything erotic out of food (mashed potatoes, etc)?
180. eaten the erotic food?
181. made an X or R rated snowman (or woman)?
III. How Low Will You Go?
(Ethical Considerations - 146 Questions)
Have you:
182. told bad jokes?
183. made puns?
184. made puns on obscenities (e.g. "knock knock." 'who's there?'
"fornication", 'fornication who' "fornication like this you should wear a
black tie")?
185. told shaggy dog stories?
186. flubbed a punch line?
187. worked at a fast-food place?
188. worked at a fast-food place for over a year?
189. held a grudge?
190. recited limericks?
191. served cheap booze?
192. passed cheap booze as the expensive stuff?
193. not paid your library fines?
194. lied?
195. lied to somebody at somebody else's request?
196. lied about your sexual preference to avoid a date?
197. been in adultery (technically it's only if you were married, but counts
if you weren't)?
198. started a fight?
199. started a bar fight?
200. started a brawl?
201. instigated a raid (panty or otherwise)?
202. instigated a border raid?
203. instigated a border war?
204. watched Benny Hill, Monty Python, Dr. Ruth, Donahue, Geraldo or Oprah?
205. watched primetime soaps?
206. considered romance to be whatever gets him/her out of his/her clothes?
207. considered anything more than a towel "overdressed"?
208. not considered living together without benefit of clergy or legal
sanction a sin (can't live in sin if you don't believe in it)?
209. not respected the sanctity of living in sin (e.g., hit up on someone
regardless of whether they lived with another)?
210. implied greater or lesser (non-sexual) experience than you actually
possessed?
211. implied greater or lesser sexual experience than you actually possessed?
212. not thought it promiscuous having different partners annually?
213. not thought it promiscuous having different partners monthly?
214. not thought it promiscuous having different partners weekly?
215. not thought it promiscuous having different partners daily?
216. not thought it promiscuous having different partners at a time?
217. had sex with someone whose name you didn't know at the time?
218. had sex with someone whose name you still don't know?
219. had sex with someone whose name you don't remember?
220. had sex with someone whose name you don't want to know?
221. had sex with someone whose language you don't (or didn't) know?
222. had sex with someone whose face you never saw?
223. had sexual activity (not necessarily intercourse) with someone ten or
more years younger than you?
224. had sexual activity with someone ten or more years older than you?
225. had sex (penetration) with someone half your age?
226. had sex with someone twice your age?
227. had sex with someone for revenge (on them, on their current or ex-, on
your current or ex-)?
228. been thought to have installed a 'takaticket' machine (as in 'now serving
number...')?
229. gone to a motel for the sole purpose of sexual activity?
230. lied about how old you were for purposes of sexual activity?
231. lied about how old you were in order to obtain alcohol?
232. broken your word, vow or promise?
233. told someone you loved them when you did not?
234. were nice to someone in hopes of having sex with them?
235. told someone that you loved them strictly because you wanted sex with
them?
236. fantasized during sexual activity about somebody other than the one
present during sexual activity?
237. fantasized during sexual activity that you were somebody else?
238. fantasized during sexual activity about Smurfs (or any cartoon character)?
239. faked orgasm (guys too)?
240. told them they were great when they weren't?
241. intentionally 'eavesdroped' while others were engaged in sexual activity?
242. plotted conspiracy?
243. plotted murder (commission is covered later)?
244. shown erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movies or videos to get
someone in the mood?
245. used alcohol to lower someone's inhibitions about sexual activity (yours
included)?
246. used another drug to lower someone's inhibitions about sexual activity
(yours included)?
247. dipped into capital (been unable to live on one's investment income. An
'Old Money' no-no. If you have to ask the answer is 'no.')?
248. kited checks?
249. used credit cards without the owner's consent or knowledge?
250. traded on inside information?
251. ignored someone because you didn't want to admit you had sex with them?
252. wanted something or someone that someone else has, simply because they
have it and you don't (coveted)?
253. gone on a date in one night with two or more people with each person
unaware of the other(s)?
254. gone steady with two or more people with each person unaware of the
other(s)?
255. gone steady with two or more people with all aware of the other(s)?
256. implied having had sex with someone when you hadn't?
257. denied having had sex with someone when you had (not telling your parents
is merely survival)?
258. gossiped
259. had a "sex contest" with friends (where the object is to see who can
score with more people)?
260. been in military service?
261. put an ad in the persons to persons?
262. put an ad for a sex partner?
263. advertised for a sex partner including a photograph?
264. answered an advert for a sex partner?
265. exited through a window because someone came home unexpectedly?
266. taken someone someplace to be seen in their company?
267. taken someone someplace to be seen in their company by someone in
particular?
268. been in a wet t-shirt contest?
269. won a wet t-shirt contest?
270. judged a wet t-shirt contest?
271. been in a whose-better-physically-equipped contest (guys or girls)?
272. won a whose-better-physically-equipped contest (zzzip.. :thud:)?
273. participated in a "sword-fight" with yours or somebody else's naughty
bits (use your imagination)?
274. given your kids unusual names based on puns (Shanda Lear, Laurel Ann
Hardy)?
275. given your kids unusual names in general (Dweezel)?
276. named your child after a porn star (John Holmes Smith, Amber Lynn
Cunningham, etc.)?
277. named your child after a porn star without the other parent knowing the
origin of the name?
278. given your cat or dog a mohawk or a punk harido?
279. gone to a scary movie as an excuse to get close to someone?
280. fed someone 'treif' (eg non-kosher food, as in, a ham and cheese sandwich.
Only counts if they were keeping kosher at the time)?
281. mixed meat and dairy?
282. eaten 'treif' (i.e. non-kosher food. Only counts if you were keeping
kosher at the time)?
283. eaten during daylight during Ramadan?
284. eaten read meat on Friday (an RC no-no)?
285. fed someone dogfood?
286. been in a gross out contest?
287. been in a gross out contest, and won?
288. hired someone more for their looks?
289. wife-(or husband) swapped?
290. wanted to trade them in for a working model?
291. been willing to trade 'em off cheap?
292. flirted with in-laws?
293. told somebody something "for their own good"?
294. had sex without the use of a birth control method more effective than
prayer (Oh God don't let me/her get pregnant)?
295. had sex without the use of even prayer (they call people who do this
frequently "parents")?
296. had sex with the "pull-out" method of birth control?
297. pulled out and come in his/her mouth (or had someone pull out an come in
your mouth) so as to not have to clean up afterwards?
298. welshed on a bet or wager?
299. offered sexual favors as payoff for a wager?
300. offered another's sexual favors as payoff for your wager?
301. feared that you might be (or caused someone to be) unintentionally
pregnant?
302. found out that you were (or caused someone to be) unintentionally
pregnant?
303. drooled on someone?
304. had someone drool on you?
305. always accepted sex (never refused it regardless of race, creed, colour,
religion, age, gender, condition, or politics)?
306. accepted sloppy seconds (it's better than nothing)?
307. offered sex for money or other consideration (a better grade, raise,
"services rendered")?
308. had sex with someone who was merely doing you a favor?
309. demanded sex for money or other consideration ("Put out or walk" / "I'll
scream if you don't" are but the more blatant forms)?
310. coerced someone into having sex with you (you were going to be impossible
to be with unless your hormone level was lowered)?
311. accepted sex for money or other consideration (a better grade, raise,
"services rendered")?
312. cashed in your soda-pop can lids (the ones that if you get it off of the
can in once piece you get a free fuck)?
313. offered a sympathy fuck?
314. offered a sympathy fuck, and been rejected (time to go back to the
masturbation section)?
315. drank all but the last quarter inch from the milk carton or water bottle
and put it back in the cooler (so you wouldn't have to refill it)?
316. woke up the next morning with the computer keyboard on your pillow (you
might be programming too much)?
317. tried to convince your partner that intercourse would help
prevent/relieve cramps?
318. tried to convince your partner that oral sex was good for the complexion?
319. considered sperm a protein supplement?
320. questioned someone about their sex life when they were incapable of not
answering (e.g. they were truly wasted, or talking in their sleep)?
321. questioned a significant other about their sex life when they were
incapable of not answering?
322. used whatever they said against them?
323. read somebody's diary without his/her consent or knowledge?
324. searched somebody's room/house without his/her consent or knowledge?
325. attempted to corrupt someone's morals?
326. attempted to corrupt someone's morals and discover it is too late?
327. attempted to corrupt someone's morals only to discover they know things
you don't?
IV. I Fought the Law and *I* Won
(Legal technicalities - 70 Questions)
Have you:
328. deliberately bounced a check?
329. shoplifted?
330. 'borrowed' something of value with no intention of returning it
('borrowing' kleenex, condoms or tampons, doesn't count)?
331. written graffiti?
332. committed murder?
333. attempted to commit suicide?
334. succeeded?
335. had a fake id?
336. manufactured a fake id?
337. speeded (automotive, not pharmaceutical)?
338. drag raced (on the street)?
339. driven without a license?
340. driven while suspended?
341. bought or sold anything on a black market?
342. stolen any item or cash?
343. stolen a kiss?
344. used bootleg software?
345. plotted felony (that's conspiracy and may count)?
346. operated a vehicle or piece of heavy machinery while intoxicated?
347. plotted treason (betrayal of state secrets)?
348. lead someone to believe they were the father when they weren't?
349. lead someone to believe they weren't the father when they were?
350. been liable for arrest on a morals charge (pandering, pimping,
prostitution, impersonating a human being)?
351. been a pool, card or chess shark?
352. incited to riot?
353. plotted a coup (civic class doesn't count)?
354. committed sedition (plotting to overthrow the government)?
355. committed sedation (bored an audience to sleep)?
356. committed treason?
357. been thought politically unreliable?
358. been thought politically reliable?
359. looted, raped, pillaged or burned (The Barbarian Pentathlon)?
360. sent a chain letter?
361. started a chain letter?
362. made unregistered explosive devices (bombs)?
363. made or acquired 'elint' (electronic intelligence) equipment (bugs)?
364. installed or used 'elint' equipment (wiretaps, tape recorders, etc)?
365. stayed for a second feature having paid only for the first?
366. removed the tag that says "do not remove under penalty of law"?
367. rode public transportation w/o paying?
368. raised tuition/rent by streetwalking?
369. pistol whipped someone?
370. been a bigamist (that's very bigamy to admit it)?
371. carried concealed weapons?
372. evaded taxes?
373. evaded custom duties by not declaring something subject to a duty or tax?
374. been cited in divorce proceedings as the other woman/man?
375. been cited in divorce proceedings as the other woman/man and wished you
actually were?
376. deliberately failed to pay child support?
377. had someone buy alcohol for you while you were still a minor?
378. bought your own alcohol while still a minor?
379. been drunk while still a minor?
380. bought alcohol for minors?
381. had sexual activity while under the age of consent (masturbatio doesn't
count)?
382. had sexual activity while under the age of consent with someone over the
age of consent?
383. had sexual activity since reaching the age of consent with someone under
the age of consent?
384. plagiarized?
385. been to a "public bath"?
386. patronized a prostitute?
387. been to a "massage parlor"?
388. been to a brothel as a customer?
389. been to a brothel as an employee?
390. contracted a 'social' disease (not just the common cold)?
391. contracted mono?
392. been treated for exposure to a STD (sexually transmitted disease) because
someone you'd been with had been?
393. had a curable STD?
394. had an incurable STD?
395. had sex with someone knowing you had been exposed to a STD?
396. had sex with someone knowing they had been exposed to a STD?
397. gotten a 'frequent flier' bonus at the free clinic?
V. Mekka Lekka Hi, Mekka Hiney Ho
(Cults, Occults, Ghosts, Aliens, and Weirdness - 30 Questions)
Have you:
398. spotted Elvis at a 7-11 (or wherever)?
399. been a member of the Order, Aryan Nation, or the like?
400. joined a nunnery or a monastery because you were sick of sex?
401. been a member of a religious group outside of a world-accepted religion
(Satan worship, Vegisexual, etc)?
402. been a member of a cult?
403. been a high-ranking member in any non-accepted group (and, even though
Wicca is an accepted religion, we'll take that, too)?
404. played a record backwards to hear the message?
405. actually heard the message?
406. participated in a satanic ritual?
407. sold your soul to the devil?
408. drunk blood?
409. sacrificed an animal in a religious ritual?
410. sacrificed a human in a religious ritual?
411. used a Ouija board?
412. followed your horoscope?
413. had your Tarot cards read or read someone else's?
414. participated in a seance?
415. communicated with another plane?
416. had visual contact with someone/thing from another plane?
417. been to another plane?
418. had an out of body experience?
419. practiced witchcraft?
420. cast a spell for amusement?
421. cast a spell for revenge?
422. cast a spell for somebody else?
423. had a spell backfire with disasterous effects?
424. seen a UFO
425. communicated with beings from another world (aliens)?
426. been on a UFO?
427. are you an alien?
VI. This Looks Like a Good Place for a Stick-Up
(Non-Platonic Activities (the steamy part) Part 1 - Men - 86 Questions)
With or by a person of the male gender, have you:
428. been propositioned for necking or petting by a man?
429. been propositioned for any sexual practice by a man?
430. been pinched or patted on the buttocks by a man?
431. been kissed below the neck, but not on the hands and arms?
432. received a hickey (or had the attempt if you are hard to get)?
433. received a hickey in an intimate location?
434. received scratch marks or nail marks?
435. been bit or nibbled upon?
436. been bit in an intimate location?
437. had your clothed leg fondled or stroked by a man?
438. had your clothed body fondled or stroked?
439. had your clothed breast or nipples fondled or stroked?
440. had your covered genitals fondled, pet, stroked, or otherwise handled?
441. had your bare legs fondled or stroked by a man?
442. had your bare body fondled or stroked?
443. had your bare breast or nipples fondled or stroked?
444. had your bare genitals fondled, pet, stroked, or otherwise handled?
445. propositioned a man for necking or petting?
446. propositioned a man for any sexual practice?
447. pinched or patted a man's buttocks?
448. kissed below the neck, but not on the hands and arms?
449. petted above or below the waist?
450. given a hickey?
451. given a hickey in an intimate location?
452. left scratches or nail marks?
453. left teeth marks?
454. left teeth marks in an intimate location?
455. fondled or stroked a man's clothed legs?
456. fondled or stroked a man's clothed body?
457. stroked or fondled a man's clothed breast or nipple?
458. petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled a man's covered genitals?
459. fondled or stroked a man's bare legs?
460. fondled or stroked a man's bare body?
461. stroked or fondled a man's bare breast or nipple?
462. petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled a man's bare genitals?
463. been involved with pelvic thrusting while clothed (it really drives you
insa-a-ane)?
464. had sex with a man?
465. had you fingers licked or sucked?
466. licked or sucked a man's fingers?
467. had your ear, or ear region licked, breathed upon, sucked or nibbled?
468. licked, breathed onto, sucked or nibbled a man's ear or ear region?
469. fondled a man who was asleep?
470. woken up being fondled?
471. had sex with a man who was asleep and he didn't wake up?
472. had sex with a man who was asleep and he did wake up?
473. slept through sexual activity (him doing it to you)?
474. woken up in the midst of a man having sexual activity with you?
475. given a man a backrub or massage with ulterior motives?
476. did it work?
477. been petted to orgasm?
478. petted to orgasm?
479. performed fellatio ("oral stimulation of the penis" Webster)?
480. tasted a man's orgasmic fluids?
481. gagged when they came in your mouth?
482. received oral sex?
483. performed mutual oral sex ('69')?
484. performed mutual masturbation?
485. watched while a man masturbated?
486. had a man watch while you masturbated?
487. orgasmed in him (if possible)?
488. had him orgasm in you?
489. orgasmed on him?
490. had him orgasm on you?
491. kissed a man (or boy) on a first date?
492. necked with a man (or boy) on a first date?
493. petted with a man (or boy) on a first date?
494. had oral sex on a first date?
495. given oral sex on a first date?
496. fucked on a first date?
497. had oral sex instead of intercourse?
498. performed anal sex on a man ( or whatever)?
499. received anal sex from a man ( or whatever)?
500. performed oral stimulation of the anus on a man?
501. received oral stimulation of the anus from a man?
502. been seen naked under good lighting by a man (note: nude is expected
(e.g. in a shower room or at a nude beach), naked is when you didn't
expect to be seen (e.g. in the bathroom).)?
503. seen a man naked under good lighting?
504. undressed under good lighting, knowing a man was watching you?
505. been in a man's company while both of you were nude without anything
steamy happening?
506. bathed or showered with a man?
507. let a man wash you when you were perfectly capable of doing it yourself?
508. washed a man who was perfectly capable of washing himself?
509. had sex while in the shower?
510. had sex while taking a bath?
511. seduced a man?
512. allowed yourself to be seduced?
513. had sex with a virgin (not yourself)?
VII. Julia Child, Eat Yourself Out
(Kitchen Utensils and Power Tools - 42 Questions)
Do you own, or have you ever owned, the following:
514. a manual can opener?
515. an electric can opener?
516. a spaghetti strainer?
517. a variable-speed blender?
518. an electric mixer?
519. a really, really big spoon?
520. a fondue fork?
521. corn on the cob holders?
522. a turnip twaddler?
523. an ice-cream scooper?
524. chopsticks?
525. salad tongs?
526. a salad shooter?
527. a salad scooper?
528. a veg-o-matic?
529. an electric juicer?
530. a tea-leaf strainer?
531. a socket wrench (English)?
532. a socket wrench (metric)?
533. a screwdriver (Flathead)?
534. a screwdriver (phillips)?
535. an electric screwdriver?
536. an electric hammer?
537. an electric dog-polisher?
538. a gasoline-powered turtle-neck sweater?
539. a tackle box?
540. a metal spatula (NOT a flipper. There's a difference. A spatula is long,
skinny, and NOT bent)?
541. a rubber spatula?
542. a pocket fisherman?
543. a power drill?
544. a chain saw?
545. a flame thrower?
546. a mig welder?
547. a jack-hammer?
548. a bulldozer?
549. a wreaking-ball?
550. have you used a spatula for flogging purposes?
551. do you fanatise about new and unusual utensils or tools?
552. do you get excited when you enter a kitchen or work-room?
553. have you used any of the above for masturbation?
554. have you used any of the above for any sexual practice?
42. have you ever owned The Spatula (if you have to ask, the answer is 'no')?
VIII. Something Smells Fishy Down Here
(Non-Platonic Activities (the steamy part) Part 2 - Women - 84 Questions
With or by a person of the female gender, have you:
556. been propositioned by a woman for necking or petting?
557. been propositioned by a woman for any sexual practice?
558. been pinched or patted on the buttocks by a woman?
559. been kissed below the neck, but not on the hands and arms?
560. received a hickey (or had the attempt if you are hard to get)?
561. received a hickey in an intimate location?
562. been scratched or marked by her?
563. been nibbled or bit?
564. been nibbled or bit in an intimate location?
565. had your clothed legs fondled or stroked by a woman?
566. had your clothed body fondled or stroked?
567. had your clothed breast or nipples fondled or stroked?
568. had your covered genitals fondled, stroked, pet, or otherwise handled?
569. had your bare legs your bare legs fondled or stroked by a woman?
570. had your bare body fondled or stroked?
571. had your bare breast or nipples fondled or stroked?
572. have your bare genitals fondled, stroked, pet, or otherwise handled?
573. propositioned a woman for necking or petting?
574. propositioned a woman for any sexual practice?
575. pinched or patted a woman's buttocks?
576. kissed a woman below the neck, but not on the hands and arms?
577. petted above or below the waist?
578. given a hickey to a woman?
579. given a hickey in an intimate location?
580. left scratches or nail marks on her?
581. left teeth marks?
582. left teeth marks in an intimate location?
583. fondled or stroked a woman's clothed legs?
584. fondled or stroked a woman's clothed body?
585. stroked or fondled a woman's clothed breast or nipple?
586. petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled a woman's covered genitals?
587. fondled or stroked a woman's bare legs?
588. fondled or stroked a woman's bare body?
589. stroked or fondled a woman's bare breast or nipple?
590. petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled a woman's bare genitals?
591. been involved with pelvic thrusting while clothed?
592. had sex with a woman?
593. had you fingers licked or sucked?
594. licked or sucked a woman's fingers?
595. had your ear, or ear region licked, breathed upon, sucked or nibbled?
596. licked, breathed onto, sucked or nibbled a woman's ear?
597. fondled a woman who was asleep?
598. woken up being fondled?
599. had sex with a woman who was asleep and she didn't wake up?
600. had sex with a woman who was asleep and she did wake up?
601. slept through sexual activity (she doing it to you)?
602. woken up in the midst of a woman having sexual activity with you?
603. given a woman a backrub or massage with ulterior motives?
604. did it work?
605. been petted to orgasm?
606. petted to orgasm?
607. performed cunnilingus ("oral stimulation of the vulva or clitoris")?
608. tasted a woman's orgasmic fluids?
609. received oral sex?
610. performed mutual oral sex ('69')?
611. performed mutual masturbation?
612. watched while a woman masturbated?
613. had a woman watch while you masturbated?
614. orgasmed in her (if possible)?
615. orgasmed on her?
616. had her orgasm on you?
617. kissed a woman (or girl) on a first date?
618. necked with a woman (or girl) on a first date?
619. petted with a woman (or girl) on a first date?
620. had oral sex on a first date?
621. given oral sex on a first date?
622. fucked on a first date?
623. had oral sex instead of intercourse?
624. performed anal sex on a woman ( or whatever)?
625. received anal sex from a woman ( or whatever)?
626. performed oral stimulation of the anus on a woman?
627. received oral stimulation of the anus from a woman?
628. been seen naked under good lighting by a woman (note: nude is expected
(e.g. in a shower room or at a nude beach), naked is when you didn't
expect to be seen (e.g. in the bathroom).)?
629. seen a woman naked under good lighting?
630. undressed under good lighting, knowing a woman was watching you?
631. been in a woman's company while both of you were nude without anything
steamy happening?
632. bathed or showered with a woman (non-coed facilities don't count)?
633. let a woman wash you when you were perfectly capable of doing it yourself?
634. washed a woman who was perfectly capable of washing herself?
635. had sex while in the shower?
636. had sex while taking a bath?
637. seduced a woman?
638. allowed yourself to be seduced?
639. had sex with a virgin (We're Virgin Destroyers - We won't go down in
history, but we will go down on your little sister)?
IX. The Nitty and the Gritty
(Things To Do and People To Do Them With - 65 Questions)
Are you now, or have you ever been:
640. engaged in heterosexual activity (with a member of the opposite sex)?
641. If you answered 'yes', would you do it again? If you answered 'no', have
you thought about it?
642. engaged in homosexual activity [with a member of your sex (who better to
know what feels good?)]?
643. If you answered 'yes', would you do it again? If you answered 'no', have
you thought about it?
644. engaged in bisexual activity (defined here as sexual activity with both
genders on a relatively even ratio for the period of time in question)?
645. If you answered 'yes', would you do it again? If you answered 'no', have
you thought about it?
646. engaged in incestual activity [with a member of your family (incest is
best - put your sister to the test)]?
647. yes, again; no, thought?
648. engaged in homosexual incest (with a member of your family and gender)?
649. yes, again; no, thought?
650. engaged in bestiality (sex with non-humans, not the merely sub human)?
651. yes, again; no, thought?
652. engaged in xeno eroticism [sexual activity with alien life forms (NOT the
kind without green cards)]?
653. yes, again; no, thought?
654. engaged in pedophilia (sexual activity with pre-teenage children)?
655. yes, again; no, thought?
656. engaged in bondage ('voluntarily', you had some control on initiation.)?
657. yes, again; no, thought?
658. engaged in sodomy (defined as either: 1) copulation with a member of the
same sex or with animals or 2) non-coital intercourse, esp anal or oral
copulation with the opposite sex)?
659. yes, again; no, thought?
660. practiced cocrophilia (using feces or filth for sexual excitement)?
661. yes, again; no, thought?
662. practiced frotteurism (masturbation by rubbing against another person)?
663. yes, again; no, thought?
664. practiced mysophilia (a dependency on something soiled or filthy, such as
dirty underwear or used menstrual pads (like the female gym teacher in
Porky's))?
665. practiced klismaphilia (a dependency on being given an enema)?
666. practiced zipitage (the picking of other people's zits)?
667. performed analingus ("oral stimulation of the anus")?
668. If you answered 'yes', would you do it again? If you answered 'no', have
you thought about it?
669. practiced "role-playing" for sexual purposes (nurse/patient,
teacher/student, border guard/well-endowed co-ed)?
670. yes, again; no, thought?
671. crossed dressed (dressing in clothing of the opposite sex), other than
for a costume party?
672. yes, again; no, thought?
673. crossed dressed for a party or as a joke and discovered you liked it
(shouldn't watch Rocky Horror so much)?
674. yes, again; no, thought?
675. practiced necrophilia [sex with the dead (truly deceased. That innocent
young virgin you molested doesn't count, no matter how frigid she was)]?
676. yes, again; no, thought?
677. practiced zombiphilia (sex with the undead)?
678. had a leather fetish?
679. had a rubber fetish (insisting on the use of rubbers doesn't qualify)?
680. performed anal intercourse ("That'd have to be in the butt, Bob")?
681. If you answered 'yes', would you do it again? If you answered 'no', have
you thought about it?
682. caused another person pain for your pleasure, or had another inflict
pain for their pleasure (its called sadism)?
683. yes, again; no, thought?
684. had another inflict pain for your own pleasure, or caused another person
pain for their pleasure (its called masochism)?
685. yes, again; no, thought?
686. tied up a masochist and refused to cause them pain (its called cruel)?
687. used Schedule I (USC 21, sec 812 (c)) drugs (synthetic opiates, meth-
amphetamines, marijuana, hallucinogens, LSD)?
(with over 145 drugs scheduled, we're not listing them all)
688. yes, again; no, thought?
689. used Schedule II (USC 21, sec 812 (c)) drugs (opium, coca leave products
(Coca Cola doesn't count))?
690. yes, again; no, thought?
691. used Schedule III (USC 21, sec 812 (c)) drugs ( barbiturates, lysergic
acid, amphetamine)?
692. yes, again; no, thought?
693. used Schedule IV (USC 21, sec 812 (c)) drugs (Barbital, chloral Hydrate,
Phenobarbital)?
694. yes, again; no, thought?
695. abused Schedule V (USC 21, sec 812 (c)) drugs (codeine)?
696. yes, again; no, thought?
697. intentionally urinated on someone (its called 'golden showers', 'water
sports', or piss fights)?
698. yes, again; no, thought?
699. intentionally defecated on someone (it's called sick)?
700. yes, again; no, thought?
701. intentionally urinated on yourself?
702. yes, again; no, thought?
703. intentionally defecated on yourself?
704. yes, again; no, thought?
X. The Meaning Of Life
(Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n Roll - 124 Questions)
have you:
705. considered the song "I want to hold you hand" suggestive?
706. considered 'why don't we do it in the road' a reasonable question?
707. do you know (no guessing) who followed Hendrix at Woodstock?
708. been intoxicated from alcohol?
709. been intoxicated from some other drug?
710. been intoxicated from a controlled or illicit drug?
711. introduced someone to 'drugs' in general?
712. introduced someone to a new (to them) drug?
713. used over the counter drugs for purposes of getting intoxicated?
714. taken any drug that you weren't sure what it was, just to find out what
it does (foolish you)?
715. used prescription drugs that you didn't 'need' or have the prescription
for ('abused' a controlled substance)?
716. bought or sold a controlled or illicit drug?
717. bought or sold a controlled or illicit drug, wholesale?
718. sold as a controlled or illicit drug a non-drug item (burned somebody)?
719. bought a controlled or illicit drug in bulk for personal use?
720. frequently bought controlled or illicit drugs in bulk for personal use
(like weekly or there about)?
721. had a standing order with your supplier?
722. taken a non-prescription opiate (heroin, morphine, or opium)
723. more than 4 times?
724. ingested cocaine (bolivian marching powder)?
725. more than once?
726. more than four times?
727. smoked crack?
728. more than once?
729. more than four times?
730. freebased?
731. chugged?
732. sniffed glue?
733. smoked the killer weed (tobacco)?
734. more than once?
735. on a regular basis?
736. chain smoked?
737. smoked the killer weed (marijuana)?
738. more than once?
739. more than four times?
740. smoked the killer weed (oregano)?
741. smoked the killer weed (parsley)?
742. smoked banana peels?
743. smoked clove cigarettes?
744. chewed tobacco, or snuff?
745. gargled with hard liquor (No more mediciny breath!)?
746. had alcohol for breakfast?
747. drank Coke & nutmeg?
748. drank Coke & aspirin?
749. made Alice B. Toklas Cookies (marijuana or hash brownies)?
750. eaten Alice B. Toklas Cookies?
751. inhaled nitrous oxide (laughing gas) recreationally?
752. injected any non-prescription drug into yourself?
753. more than once?
754. more than four times?
755. injected more than one non-prescription drug simultaneously into yourself?
756. more than once?
757. more than four times?
758. injected any non-prescription drug into someone else?
759. more than once?
760. injected more than one non-prescription drug simultaneously into someone
else?
761. more than once?
762. played a drinking game?
763. won a drinking game?
764. played a game where it was unknown who would be getting drugs (who's got
the pill, etc)?
765. spiked a punch with alcohol?
766. spiked a punch with other drugs?
767. taken any synthetic hallucinogen (MDA, STP, Deep Purple, or Sandoz)?
768. did you understand the examples in the last question?
769. ingested any 'natural' hallucinogen (peyote, mescaline, 'shrooms, ergot)?
770. more than once?
771. more than four times?
772. had a bad trip?
773. had a flashback?
774. gotten a bad batch?
775. taken hallucinogens for enlightenment, or other philosophical reason?
776. taken PCP or other veterinary drug?
777. more than once?
778. more than four times?
779. taken any 'designer' drugs?
780. done speed or meth-amphetamine?
781. more than once?
782. more than four times?
783. made or synthesized your own drugs?
784. made or synthesized drugs, 'commercially' (been the lab)?
785. grown your own?
786. bred your own?
787. bought 'moonshine' (any alcoholic beverage made outside the Federal limit
of 200 gallons annually for personal consumption)?
788. been to a rock or heavy metal concert?
789. been to a Frank Zappa rock concert?
790. been to a Grateful Dead concert?
791. been to a Barry Manilow concert?
792. listened to acid rock?
793. were you at Woodstock?
794. been a groupie?
795. been a roadie?
796. thought about starting a band to meet groupies?
797. thought about starting a band to get good dope?
798. actually started a band to get groupies or dope?
799. told someone you were with the band?
800. did it work?
801. sung dirty songs, the kind with no subtlety in the lyrics (e.g. Let's get
drunk and Screw)?
802. sung bawdy songs (e.g. Polka Dot Undies, Do your ears hang low, the
Bottle Song)?
803. composed bawdy lyrics?
804. brewed your own?
805. had sex while drunk or stoned?
806. had sex while on acid?
807. bungee-jumped on acid?
808. had sex while on any drug?
809. used the USC Scheduled Drug List as a checklist of what to try?
810. used the USC Scheduled Drug List as a checklist of what to try while
having sex?
811. used any drug when you were to wasted to know if it had any effect (e.g.
smoked pot while blitzed)?
812. used a second drug to cancel out the effects of a first (using downers
after uppers, etc. [it doesn't work])?
813. taken mood altering drugs without prescription (valium or quaalude)?
814. been told you had sex the night before and you can't recall a thing?
815. awaken the next morning wondering where you were?
816. awaken the next morning wondering if you had a good time?
817. awaken the next morning wondering where you were, and who's that next to
you?
818.
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awaken the next morning wondering who you were?
819. felt like the Three Bears (who's been sleeping in my bed)?
820. felt like Baby Bear (who's that sleeping in my bed)?
821. ever thrown up from too much alcohol [aka puked, spewed, barfed, retched,
driven the porcelain bus, blown chips, tossed your cookies, the
technicolor yawn, prayed to the porcelain god, called for the car
(There's Ralph's Buick), etc.]?
822. ever had blackouts (periods where you don't remember what happened)?
823. been hung over?
824. had a hangover last more than one day?
825. taken the hair of the dog that bit you (drinking to cure hangover)?
826. been to an AA meeting, or the like?
827. been to a drug-rehab meeting?
828. been to a GLBA (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual Alliance) meeting or the like?
XI. Green Eggs and Ham
(Locality - 178 Questions))
"have you done it on a plane,
have you done it on a train;
have you done it in your bed,
have you done it on your head;
Have you, have you,
had green eggs and ham"
(with apologies to Dr Seuss)
Have you:
829. with others in the same room, necked/petted?
830. with others in the same room, had oral sex?
831. with others in the same room fucked?
832. with others in the same room, necked/petted without them knowing?
833. with others in the same room, had oral sex without them knowing?
834. with others in the same room, fucked without them knowing?
835. while parents were sleeping, necked/petted?
836. while parents were sleeping, had oral sex?
837. while parents were sleeping, fucked?
838. while parents were awake, necked/petted?
839. while parents were awake, had oral sex?
840. while parents were awake, fucked?
841. while parents were awake in the same room, necked/petted?
842. while parents were awake in the same room, had oral sex?
843. while parents were awake in the same room, fucked?
844. while hot tubbing, necked/petted?
845. while hot tubbing, had oral sex?
846. while hot tubbing, fucked?
847. in a sauna or steam bath, necked/petted?
848. in a sauna or steam bath, had oral sex?
849. in a sauna or steam bath, fucked?
850. in a chair, couch, recliner, etc, necked/petted?
851. in a chair, couch, recliner, etc, had oral sex?
852. in a chair, couch, recliner, etc, fucked?
853. in a place of religion, necked/petted?
854. in a place of religion, had oral sex?
855. in a place of religion, fucked?
856. in a place of the dead (morgue, cemetery, etc), necked/petted?
857. in a place of the dead, had oral sex?
858. in a place of the dead, fucked?
859. in a contraption of the dead (coffin, urn, etc), necked/petted?
860. in a contraption of the dead, had oral sex?
861. in a contraption of the dead, fucked?
862. during a movie (in a theatre), necked/petted?
863. during a movie, had oral sex?
864. during a movie, fucked?
865. in a sports area (stadium, court, track, or ballfield), necked/petted?
866. in a sports area, had oral sex?
867. in a sports area, fucked?
868. in a stationary vehicle of less than 3000 pounds GWT (a car, small pickup,
minivan, etc), necked/petted?
869. in a stationary vehicle of less than 3000 pounds GWT, had oral sex?
870. in a stationary vehicle of less than 3000 pounds GWT, fucked?
871. in a stationary vehicle of more than 3000 but less than 10,000 pounds GWT
(a van, pickup), necked/petted?
872. in a stationary vehicle of more than 3000 but less than 10,000 pounds
GWT, had oral sex?
873. in a stationary vehicle of more than 3000 but less than 10,000 pounds
GWT, fucked?
874. in a stationary vehicle of more than 10,000 pounds GWT (a semi, RV, tank,
etc), necked/petted?
875. in a stationary vehicle of more than 10,000 pounds GWT, had oral sex?
876. in a stationary vehicle of more than 10,000 pounds GWT, fucked?
877. in a moving vehicle of less than 3000 pounds GWT (a car or small pickup),
necked/petted?
878. in a moving vehicle of less than 3000 pounds GWT, had oral sex?
879. in a moving vehicle of less than 3000 pounds GWT, fucked?
880. in a moving vehicle of more than 3000 pounds GWT (a van, pickup),
necked/petted?
881. in a moving vehicle of more than 3000 pounds GWT, had oral sex?
882. in a moving vehicle of more than 3000 pounds GWT, fucked?
883. in a moving vehicle of more than 10,000 pounds GWT, necked/petted?
884. in a moving vehicle of more than 10,000 pounds GWT, had oral sex?
885. in a moving vehicle of more than 10,000 pounds GWT, fucked?
886. with the operator of a moving vehicle, necked/petted?
887. with the operator of a moving vehicle, had oral sex?
888. with the operator of a moving vehicle, fucked?
889. as the operator of a moving vehicle, necked/petted?
890. as the operator of a moving vehicle, received oral sex?
891. as the operator of a moving vehicle, fucked?
892. on a train, necked/petted?
893. on a train, had oral sex?
894. on a train, fucked?
895. on a roller coaster, necked/petted?
896. on a roller coaster, had oral sex?
897. on a roller coaster, fucked?
898. in a wheelbarrow, necked/petted?
899. in a wheelbarrow, had oral sex?
900. in a wheelbarrow, fucked?
901. on a boat (rowboat, personal yacht, sailboat, etc), necked/petted?
902. on a boat, had oral sex?
903. on a boat, fucked?
904. on a ship (battleship, aircraft carrier, etc), necked/petted?
905. on a ship, had oral sex?
906. on a ship, fucked?
907. in an aircraft (airplane, blimp, zepplin, hovercraft, hot-air balloon,
UFO, etc) in flight, necked/petted?
908. in an aircraft in flight, had oral sex?
909. in an aircraft in flight, fucked?
910. on public transportation (bus, subway, tram or trolley), necked/petted?
911. on public transportation, had oral sex?
912. on public transportation, fucked?
913. on a school bus, necked/petted?
914. on a school bus, had oral sex?
915. on a school bus, fucked?
916. on horseback, necked/petted (just don't scare the horses)?
917. on horseback, had oral sex?
918. on horseback, fucked?
919. on a bicycle in motion, necked/petted?
920. on a bicycle in motion, had oral sex?
921. on a bicycle in motion, fucked?
922. in a telephone booth, voting booth, hall closet, or other small,
non-moving enclosure, necked/petted?
923. in a telephone booth, voting booth, hall closet, or other small,
non-moving enclosure, had oral sex?
924. in a telephone booth, voting booth, hall closet, or other small,
non-moving enclosure, fucked?
925. while in an elevator, or on an escalator or other people mover,
necked/petted?
926. in an elevator, on an escalator or other people mover, had oral sex?
927. in an elevator, on an escalator or other people mover, fucked?
928. on the roof of a building, necked/petted?
929. on the roof of a building, had oral sex?
930. on the roof of a building, fucked?
931. on the roof of a building where others might see you, necked/petted?
932. on the roof of a building where others might see you, had oral sex?
933. on the roof of a building where others might see you, fucked?
934. where the surrounding temperature was below freezing, necked/petted?
935. where the surrounding temperature was below freezing, had oral sex?
936. where the surrounding temperature was below freezing, fucked?
937. in the snow, necked/petted?
938. in the snow, had oral sex?
939. in the snow, fucked (now that's fucking cold)?
940. out of doors, had oral sex?
941. out of doors, fucked?
942. in a gazebo, necked/petted?
943. in a gazebo, had oral sex?
944. in a gazebo, fucked?
945. in a tree, necked/petted?
946. in a tree, had oral sex?
947. in a tree, fucked?
948. fucked a tree?
949. in a semi public location where there was a possibility of discovery, had
oral sex?
950. in a semi public location where there was a possibility of discovery,
fucked?
951. because there was a possibility of discovery, had oral sex in a semi
public locale?
952. because there was a possibility of discovery, fucked in a semi public
locale?
953. at a public event (such as a rock concert, rally, or riot), necked/petted?
954. at a public event, had oral sex?
955. at a public event, fucked?
956. in a library, necked/petted?
957. in a library, had oral sex?
958. in a library, fucked?
959. in a free flowing body of water (river, lake, swimming pool, ocean),
necked/petted?
960. in a free flowing body of water, had oral sex?
961. in a free flowing body of water, fucked?
962. on a beach, necked/petted?
963. on a beach, had oral sex?
964. on a beach, fucked?
965. in a classroom, necked/petted?
966. in a classroom, had oral sex?
967. in a classroom, fucked?
968. in a hallway, necked/petted?
969. in a hallway, had oral sex?
970. in a hallway, fucked?
971. in a living room, family room, or the like, necked/petted?
972. in a living room, family room, or the like, had oral sex?
973. in a living room, family room, or the like, fucked?
974. in a kitchen, necked/petted?
975. in a kitchen, had oral sex?
976. in a kitchen, fucked?
977. in any other household room other than those mentioned, necked/petted?
978. in any other household room other than those mentioned, had oral sex?
979. in any other household room other than those mentioned, fucked?
980. on a household appliance, necked/petted?
981. on a household appliance, had oral sex?
982. on a household appliance, fucked?
983. on a table or countertop, necked/petted?
984. on a table or countertop, had oral sex?
985. on a table or countertop, fucked?
986. on a pinball machine, necked/petted?
987. on a pinball machine, had oral sex?
988. on a pinball machine, fucked?
989. on a jukebox, necked/petted?
990. on a jukebox, had oral sex?
991. on a jukebox, fucked?
992. on a pool table, necked/petted?
993. on a pool table, had oral sex?
994. on a pool table, fucked?
995. on a piano, necked/petted?
996. on a piano, had oral sex?
997. on a piano, fucked?
998. on any other rec-room-type object, necked/petted?
999. on any other rec-room-type object, had oral sex?
1000. on any other rec-room-type object, fucked?
1001. on or in a national monument, necked/petted?
1002. on or in a national monument, had oral sex?
1003. on or in a national monument, fucked?
1004. showered with a member of the opposite sex in a 'non-coed' facility
(locker room, dorm shower, whatever)?
1005. while showering in a 'non-coed' facility, had oral sex?
1006. while showeringin a 'non-coed' facility, fucked?
XII. Look, Ma, No Hands!
(Style - 130 Questions)
Have you:
1007. pointed and laughed?
1008. eaten oysters?
1009. eaten prairie oysters?
1010. eaten a banana in a provocative manner?
1011. eaten an ice cream cone in a provocative manner?
1012. used an aphrodisiac?
1013. used amyl nitrate?
1014. taken something to "improve" your performance?
1015. coined 'pet' names for your genitalia?
1016. coined 'pet' names for your partner's genitalia?
1017. taken notes during arguments, in order to remember the good lines?
1018. had sex with the same person more than 10 times?
1019. had sex with over 10 people (total - not necessarily at once)?
1020. had sex with anybody/thing more than 100 times?
1021. had sex with anybody/thing more than 500 times?
1022. volunteered to sleep in the wet spot?
1023. accepted sex and now wish you hadn't?
1024. turned down sex and now wish you hadn't?
1025. made or taken a phone call during sexual activity (again, sexual
activity does not mean penetration; just foolin' around) with someone?
1026. during sexual activity, had your partner make or take a phone call with
their parent, spouse, or other important type person?
1027. ever been preoccupied during sexual activity (television, homework,
playing piano, dictating a letter)?
1028. ever had your partner be preoccupied during sexual activity?
1029. had a general emergency arise during sexual activity (e.g. flood, fire,
hurricane or Norse Stickball)?
1030. had a minor emergency during sexual activity (e.g. muscle cramp, asthma
attack, somebody at the door)?
1031. during sexual activity had any crisis that now causes you great
merriment (e.g. the bed broke, couldn't get the condom on)?
1032. had nude snapshots taken of you?
1033. taken nude snapshots of someone else?
1034. given nude snapshots, drawings or other artwork, of yourself to someone?
1035. engaged in sex for more than three hours in a single session with the
same partner?
1036. engaged in sex for more than three hours in a single session with
multiple partners?
1037. performed ritual sexual activity as part of a religious practice
(Tantric Yoga or Fertility Rites)?
1038. had or caused multiple orgasms?
1039. had sex until one of you was sore?
1040. had sex until one of you was dry?
1041. smoked after sex?
1042. intentionally been bruised or injured during any sexual activity?
1043. intentionally bruised or injured someone during any sexual activity?
1044. spanked anyone before or during sex?
1045. been sore on the morning after?
1046. had sex to Ravel's Bolero?
1047. had sex to the Blue Danube?
1048. had sex to any other classical selection?
1049. had sex to Dr. Demento (the radio show; not the person)?
1050. had sex to candlelight?
1051. had sex to fireplace light?
1052. had sex to campfire light?
1053. had sex in full lighting?
1054. had sex in absolute darkness?
1055. disturbed others with the noise from your sexual activity?
1056. been a screamer?
1057. caused someone to be a screamer?
1058. fucked missionary (old-fashioned way)?
1059. fucked dorsally ('doggy' style)?
1060. fucked amphibiously ('froggy' style)?
1061. fucked in the female superior position?
1062. fucked sitting up?
1063. fucked standing up?
1064. fucked in a chair?
1065. fucked while leaning over a chair?
1066. fucked while still clothed ('down with trousers, up with dresses!')?
1067. fucked sideways?
1068. fucked both facing the same direction (spooning)?
1069. fucked in the wheelbarrow position (remember those "wheelbarrow races"
when you were a kid)?
1070. fucked while supporting your partner (physically, not financially)?
1071. fucked upside-down (staircases, etc)?
1072. fucked while hanging from the rafters?
1073. fucked while hanging from the rafters upside-down?
1074. fucked while bouncing on a trampoline?
1075. fucked while hanging from a trapeze?
1076. played "sit-n-spin" (use your imagination)?
1077. gone through two or more sexual positions without the need for re-entry?
1078. fucked in front of or under a mirror?
1079. participated in fist-fucking (see Caligula)?
1080. participated in breast fucking (Hawaiian muscle-fuck)?
1081. fallen asleep during sex or oral sex?
1082. had your partner fall asleep during sex or oral sex?
1083. performed oral sex after intercourse without washing or douching?
1084. kissed after oral sex without brushing or gargling?
1085. talked dirty during sexual activity?
1086. fainted as a result of orgasm (give them a stud point!)?
1087. had your partner faint as a result of orgasm (take a stud point)?
1088. caused multiple orgasms on someone?
1089. caused multiple orgasms on someone who didn't think he/she was able?
1090. been caused to have multiple orgasms?
1091. had sex before breakfast?
1092. had sex instead of lunch (good aerobics and low on calories)?
1093. had a 'quickie'?
1094. had sex more than five times in twenty four hours?
1095. had sex with more than 1 person in a 24 hour time period?
1096. gone in public after sex w/o bathing (and you're sure everyone can tell
it too)?
1097. had sex with both genders in a 24 hour period?
1098. with a hermaphrodite, necked/petted?
1099. with a hermaphrodite, had oral sex (two to choose from)?
1100. with a hermaphrodite, fucked?
1101. had sex with spectators?
1102. been judged by the spectators?
1103. had spectators take notes?
1104. foot masturbated someone?
1105. been foot masturbated?
1106. tongue bathed someone?
1107. been tongue bathed?
1108. sucked the feet or toes of someone?
1109. had someone suck your feet or toes?
1110. been, or kept, a mistress?
1111. been, or had, a 'kept man'?
1112. been a pimp or madame?
1113. been engaged in sexual activity when the parent/spouse/boy (or girl)
friend of either of you returned unexpectedly?
1114. been engaged in sexual activity when the parent/spouse/boy (or girl)
friend of either of you returned unexpectedly, have them excuse
themselves and tell you to continue?
1115. been engaged in sexual activity when the parent/spouse/boy (or girl)
friend of either of you returned unexpectedly, have them excuse
themselves and tell you to continue, and you were able?
1116. been engaged in sexual activity when the parent/spouse/boy (or girl)
friend of either of you returned unexpectedly, talked with you for a
while, and then left?
1117. been engaged in sexual activity when the parent/spouse/boy (or girl)
friend of either of you brought you food to keep your energy up?
1118. walked in on your significant other while they were engaged in sexual
activity with someone else?
1119. walked in on your significant other while they were engaged in sexual
activity with someone else, excused yourself and left them to continue?
1120. walked in on your parents?
1121. walked in on your grandparents?
1122. walked in on others, unaware that they were engaged in sexual activity?
1123. walked in on others, to discover them engaged in a sexual activity you
thought was too weird?
1124. walked in on others, to discover them engaged in a sexual activity you
hadn't thought possible?
1125. had others walk in unaware that you were involved in sexual activity and
declare 'I didn't think that was possible'?
1126. had others walk in unaware that you were involved in sexual activity and
declare 'too weird'?
1127. initiated sexual activity with a member of the medical profession (Your
doctor, nurse or therapist)?
1128. initiated sexual activity with someone in authority (your parole officer,
psychiatrist, or babysitter)?
1129. initiated sexual activity with a member of the legal profession (lawyer,
judge, or paralegal)?
1130. initiated sexual activity with a member of the academic community
(Professor, instructor, TA)?
1131. initiated sexual activity with an intellectual (librarian, author,
essayist, or scribe)?
1132. initiated sexual activity with someone in uniform (Army, Navy, Marines,
Post Office, Cub Scout)?
1133. initiated sexual activity with a member of an 'out' group (someone you
wouldn't take home to meet the family, e.g. a biker, air head or
securities broker)?
1134. initiated sexual activity with a member of a sports team (or cheer
leader)?
1135. initiated sexual activity with an acrobatic-type athlete (gymnist, etc)?
1136. initiated sexual activity with religious officiary (priest, nun,
cardinal, pope, etc.)?
XIII. Kids, Don't Try This at Home
(The Erotic, the Kinky, the Tacky, and the possibly Perverted)
(192 Questions)
Have you:
1137. been a member of a fraternity or sorority?
1138. said "I'm normal, its everyone else that's weird"?
1139. told dirty jokes in mixed company?
1140. discussed masturbation (discussing it during/because-of a purity test
doesn't cut it)?
1141. french kissed below the waist?
1142. discussed oral sex techniques (In general, not as part of a lesson)?
1143. asked for instructions in oral sex techniques (again, lecture not lab)?
1144. given lessons in oral sex techniques ('I'm only going to do this once,
so pay attention!')?
1145. demonstrated oral sex techniques with a 'visual aid' (carrot, cucumber,
taco, etc.)?
1146. demonstrated oral sex techniques with an assistant?
1147. been the assistant?
1148. had someone practice oral sex on you so as to be better for someone else?
1149. demonstrated oral sex techniques for more than one person at a time?
1150. smelled the crotchpiece of underwear (how else can you know if it's
clean or not?)?
1151. smelled the crotchpiece of underwear that was worn by somebody else?
1152. owned a collection of underwear not your own?
1153. been attracted to someone more by an article of
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